I consider myself to be one of the very blessed ones in this world for many reasons. I can relate to almost every thing that Stephanie talks about but from the view of her husband. PTSD and a lot of other acronyms make their way into the reports on my mental health. Lack of sleep is a huge issue. But the reason I feel blessed is that I have walked to the very edge of the fall into complete nothingness. I have made that walk after months and months of planning during a slow steady spiral into darkness. I have been on that razor thin edge where even the beating of your own heart can cause you to lose your balance in life and end up taking your own life. I have been there and survived. I have been there and survived, not once or twice. I have been there four times when it was planned. More than that if you take into account some of the thing I did that Should have killed me. Why do some survive and others don’t? I’m not qualified to answer that for all suicide victims and survivors. All I can say is that somehow I was able to see the very thing or feel the vey thing that I needed at that critical time and recognize it and it enabled me to step back and struggle to see the next sunrise while no really wanting to. For me it was God providing what I needed and somehow I was able to see it and live. I have seen the personal side of hat suicide does to the families and friends of those that commit suicide. I had a very close friend all through my school years lose her father. He asked her to go to the store and 20 minutes later she found him dead. I was a senior high and jr. high counselor when we lost a young man that I had known since the day he was born to suicide. I never saw it coming and I had already been to the edge twice at that time. Most people will never see it coming for what it is. No one ever saw mine or even knew I was in such bad shape. We are very good at hiding in plain sight. The thing is if you take that final step, there is no way for you to have a better day. No way for things to get better. No way to help the ones you leave behind ever have enough answers to make the pain go away. I want all to know that I speak from my own very personal HELL on earth. My past experiences of what has been done to me are things that I would never wish on those that did them to me. Break the Silence, Shine a Light into your Shadows. There is a tomorrow and you owe it to yourself, if no one else, you owe yourself more sunrises. God is there for you. He always has been. The hurt done to you has also been done to Him. He understands your anger. He understands how lost you feel. He understands every last thing you think and feel for He has lived and cried FOR YOU. Reach out for someone. Reach out to fight. Fight for you. Fight the fight you are worthy of. Fight this fight to save the precious gift of life that our Father in Heaven has given you. You are worth the fight. You can do this. No, it’s not easy and it takes a long time but You Can Do This….. Much Love, Many Hugs and Unending Prayers…..
To many thoughts….
6 MarI am a hard person to figure out at times. I deal with PTSD from my sexual abuse and also from two life changing auto crashes brought on by the neglecte of the other drivers. I also had multiple issues with several types of Anxiety.
It is impossible to get any quiet time in my head. It is like a super highway with travel speed on maximum. Putting my thoughts down are very hard as it is difficult to stay focused. Writing short post can take a long time. It is easy to get distracted and forgot about what I was working on and go off chasing something down a rabbit hole.
I am going to try and start doing a daily post on my life and the challenges that have that I have had to deal with and the obstacles that this world has that work against a victim. The obstacles that keep a victim from moving forward and becoming a Survivor.
Men are a hard group to get to come forward and speak about being abused, (domestic, sexually or any other way), because we are taught by media, movies, friends, parents and others that we don’t talk about things like that and we are Men and therefore we are not in need of talking about our feelings.
More later…….
Onlybythegraceofgod 