Archive | May, 2014

Some people that hear my story…..

8 May

Many of you know of my abuse past and of the accidents that have permanently altered my future and left me with chronic pain and dealing with the C-PTSD and major depression. Over the years of talking about the way things in my life have been and seeming to go from one thing to another happening some have said some wonderful things and others have had questions of my faith while others have been nothing short of cruel.
The cruel ones are the easiest to deal with. I know they speak from ignorance. I could talk till the cows come home following the pigs returning from round the moon and they will still ” choose to remain ignorant “. So I choose to just ignore them.
As for the ones that have positive words of encouragement I welcome them into my heart and soul for they help me through the day.
But the ones I enjoy the most are the questions. Not the type from the cruel ones. I like questions that want to know what happened. Not out of some morbid curiosity but out of compassion. These too feed my heart and soul. These are the vast majority of the questions in receive.
What are the questions I really love the most? I love the one that come after telling my story. I love the “why” question, the “how” question. They both go to one category. The category of Faith.
Now by NO stretch of the imagination am I even a little able to answer this in any biblical way. I fall far to short on that. But what I can do is tell them what God has put on me through my life. Does it answer all of their questions. Not in a million years. But what it does is open their heart up to asking more questions of other believers and even non-believers.
My live from my point of view has been under attack from the time I was two. My father died a slow death over six months or so just from wanting to make his four kids happy even-though he was bone tired from work. I fell under attack at nine when my abuse started. In 1981 or 1982 I fell at work and tore my knee apart and lost four and a have years trying to get it better.
Somewhere along the way my mom could no longer work so I started being the only one to care for her for the vast majority of time. Then came dementia. A very cruel joke of a disease. It lets you know you are slowly getting lost in your own mind.
I had done a great job ignoring my private hell until a story came out about my abuser. To much on the brain with all the stress I was already dealing with. Thus start the slow spiral down. With this a had someone I was seeing that I was letting to close to me, so let’s unknowingly start destroying that. And let’s not forget my very wonderful and special friend. She was fighting for her life with a second round of cancer. I still miss her.
My stress got to a fever pitch one day while I was at my friend helping her parent out with her house. I started to sweat. I mean like a river. It wasn’t dripping of me, it was streaming. I started for my truck and calapsed. So I closed my eyes to get my bearings and opened then to total darkness. Very strange to know it is daytime and see no light. This lasted for I don’t really know how long. Hard to tell time that way. But I got home and had my mom and neighbor get me to the hospital. Two hours plus since in first started my poring sweat I am in the ER and still poring sweat.
It was all stress they said but see the heart doctor just in case. I love J I C, that means they aren’t sure.
After my heart cath a friend introduced me to someone that would become a great friend, my very bestest friend, Rebecca. The future I had never dared dream or even fantasize about. Mrs Rebecca Lester. But I wasn’t aware of that yet. She was. You women are so smart.
Life was getting a little better right. Yes and no. My mom died on the day of her birthday. My past was working on me inside still trying to destroy me. My final attempt, third time is a charm they say, at suicide was to be after my commitment to care for my mom was done. I stayed at the cometary after telling everyone I had to see her taken carefully to the end and I would walk home, I only lived a ten minute walk away. I ever intended to go home. But here I sit writing this so I’m still here.
I have dealt with the many ghost and demons of my past. Are they gone? Short answer, no. But I am much better at putting them in their place. So life is great right. I have God on my side, a wife, a business in great shape. Yes and no. I get hit from behind a year later and spend months dealing with a migrane. I would go to the ER at times get five or six pills and the same number of injections and be told to just go home as there was nothing else they could do. So I lived like a mushroom for a while. In the dark, trying not to move much, and in a very real quiet.
Got past that. Got married. Sold our old house full of memories and bought our home. Then we were blessed with our daughter. WOW. This type won’t lit me say it big enough. WOW. God is good. This was a miracle. The abuse had made it difficult for me with all the flashback triggers. So this was a journey of years. A very special pastor at our church one Sunday when we answered an alter call asked others to come down and to lay their hands on use as he prayed over us a anointed us. He said “before the year is past our prayers of a pregnancy would be fulfilled”. It was.
So life was great. For the love of our Heavenly Father had given us a beautiful baby girl to raise for him. Talk about a dream never dreamed.
One fateful day, when she was the very age I was when my father died, I dropped her at day care instead of taking her to my first stop of the day. Less than a mile down the road and five minutes later I was hit while at a dead stop from behind by a car traveling about 40-45 mph and they never hit the brakes. This attack left me with more physical problems than I can even to this day comprehend. It left me where I could no longer keep my company of almost 28 years.
After over two years I go to a pain rehab hospital in Rochester Minnesota for three weeks of intense work to learn to cope with the pain and learn how to accept the new me and stop fighting to be the old me ever again. Ten months later I finally make peace with my new me. Shortly after that I get hit almost head on by a driver talking on a cell phone in a parking lot. All progress is lost and now I have even more physical and mental problems.
But the attacks don’t end there. Some are very sneaky. Others are very in your face.
So where is this long, rambling thought of mine going?And what happened to the two questions on Faith I talked about so long ago? Okay, you waited long enough. They both boil down to this. “How can you believe in and have faith in a God that would do all this to you?” You did get that, “to you” didn’t you?
The answer. Easy. God did not do any of this to me. He got me through all this. He never told me to expect a cushy life with my belief. He is not the only power on earth at work remember. I very seldom will use the given name of evil due to the fact evils name is not worth the breath it takes to say it. It is beneath everything that has a name. That is where the attack on me and my family is from. If it was from God I never would have lived past my first real attempt at suicide much less three.
Today I can use your prayers. One problem I have to deal with from the wreck is my right leg doesn’t always move right even when my brain says it is. This afternoon was one of those times. I landed across the sidewalk in the front yard and it was a very hard one and has left me in a lot of pain. The other issue is because of my depression and PTSD & C-PTSD I am unable to take pain medication. So prayer is my medication of choice. Thanks. Sorry I talk so much….