Archive | August, 2014

Rape. Triggered. And being brave sharing some of my story.

29 Aug

Shedding Light on Darkness

*Huge trigger warning, especially towards the bottom. Please, please be careful. I have shared details of my own experiences here, if you would rather not know details of my abuse, please do not read.*

Third post of the day, is that a record?

I went to bed and lay in my husband’s arms. Sleep would not come, so here I am, posting. I need it out and I need to feel less alone.

I am no longer feeling so angry, it seems to have been replaced with a deep hurt.

Today my T said he sensed that I had a need to tell people how I feel about the recent abuse cases in the news (Rotherham). I told him I was too involved to come up with a well thought out argument.

Once at home, I figured out what he meant and what I needed. Rather than tell the world about the abuse in Rotherham…

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The importance of telling your story.

21 Aug

This is a very important story on part of moving forward…

Shedding Light on Darkness

I think most survivors reach the point where they want and need to tell their story. They need to be heard, not just about what happened to them, but how much it hurt and how it still hurts..the damage it did, the damage they are still trying to repair.

I have been in therapy for some time now, telling my T about my past. As time has passed and I have become more used to telling, I have noted a difference in disclosure versus telling my story.

Disclosure to my T feels almost medical, like a necessary procedure in order to kick start the process that is healing. Now I have reached the point of feeling, it is as if I am sharing my story, rather than disclosing. The more I feel, the more I need to be heard and the more I need to share that story with (some of) the world. 


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Church Perpetrator Protecting & Why It Is Not Of Jesus.

15 Aug

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

This applies to all abuse carried out in Churches – particularly by the church ministers, and should be applicable to all types of abuse.
When the Church Prefers Perpetrators by Mary DeMuth.

Something is wrong when the church protects perpetrators and marginalizes victims. In recent months, we’ve seen a bit of the underbelly of covering up sexual abuse, demanding victims forgive and forget instantly for the sake of the poor offenders whose lives might be ruined if they were found out. (See this article at Christianity Today that summarizes a recent case).

(Note: This post isn’t about the Sovereign Grace Ministries situation particularly as much as it is about any church that listens more to the perpetrators than to the victims. I believe this is a universal problem.)

Cover up that exalts the “ministry” or a ministry personality over the well being…

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12 Reasons – Why I Never Stood A Chance – In Organised Christianity

15 Aug

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

There are many issues, that churches and religious people fail so badly at.

These are 12 of the reasons why I was always going to be badly treated;

1. I am an abuse survivor and it is commonly known survivors are treated badly by church people.

2. I have a mental health disorder, which often is dealt with in a highly abusive manner by church people.

3. I was abused by a minister. Leading to the common practice of protecting the abuser and getting rid of the victim.

4. I am a woman, who does ‘not’ believe women need to keep quiet, and I know this is what Jesus also believes and is Biblical.

5. I am not afraid to speak the truth, and I know exposing the truth, is needed and I have emotional and spiritual integrity and courage. Most don’t.

6. I know a lot…

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Let’s Journey Together

14 Aug

Beating Trauma

Kitty Support

To My Survivor Friends,

We talk often about how our recovery partners, friends and family may not always say the right thing. We know they mean well, but it is difficult for them to understand our painful situation. They may trigger us with what appears to be invalidating or dismissive comments.

“If you just forgive, everything will be better.”

“Maybe you should just forget about the past and move on. It happened a long time ago.”

“Everyone is dealing with pain in their life.”

Even with these setbacks, you keep moving forward in recovery. And I am so proud of you for the work that you do. I personally know how hard it is to do this work every day. The emotional processing is devastating. The physical processing can be debilitating. We are left moving through the world with about half the energy and physical ability of a non-traumatized person…

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A poetic reflection on Robin Williams by Simon.

14 Aug

OT tid bits and other stuff



A beautifully written poem for the late Robin Williams by Simon over at Simon Says


Robin Williams (1951-2014)

Another sad and tragic case
Of outward smiles and funny face
Hiding a pain no one could hear
Over the laughter, praise and cheers

Two times divorced would take their toll
Depression, drugs and alcohol
He slipped into a darker hole
He’d gained the world but lost his soul

But wipe away the comic mask
And deeper questions there you’ll ask
Is what this world will call “success”
Enough to cover up our mess?

The crowd’s applause his talent brought
His breathless death has now made naught
He has escaped only to run
Before an audience of One

Farewell Robin, you made me laugh
But now I’ll weep on your behalf


Original posting found at this link:

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14 Aug

Shedding Light on Darkness

*Trigger warning- swearing*

Oh how real that is right now.. I didn’t know it was possible to be broken. Not really. I said the words, but I never understood. I had learned to protect myself. Protected by the pretense, by the lies, by the mask.

I didn’t know, I really didn’t know that I could be broken, not that way, not like that.

I see it now, I remember. I feel it. Broken. Alone. Fucking alone.

Where were you? Anyone at all? What is wrong with people? What is wrong with this world, that a child would choose abuse so they didn’t have to be alone?

Unconditional love, I know all about that. I have felt it for so many. Too many. For the wrong people, the wrong person. Admitting I needed him, loved him and relied on him has thrown me into turmoil. Shame, regret, and pain. Oh, so much pain.

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