A little of my past….

5 Jan

So many of us go through life just trying to get to the next day. The next meeting. The next appointment. We rush around in a spinning, crazy world. We see so much bad and ask why? Why is this slowed to happen? Some say that it happens because we are being punished by God. Other’s that don’t believe find others to blame. But I believe in God and I know personally that he is not the one that rains down the evils on Earth. I have a personal past that took me into hell. The only reason I am here is because He went with me into it and protected me and brought me home. But, I did not recognize Him when I saw him or even know He was with me for the vast majority of those decades. Thirty plus years of living in silence and darkness. I tried to rid myself of the weight of my past many, many times. But I kept a small piece that I felt I needed. That small piece took little time to become a monster again.
As the day of the Epiphany draws near think on this. God loves you so very much that even if all those years ago when He sent his one and only Son, if you had been the only person that would ever need to be saved in all eternity, His Son would have been born. Walked among mankind. Would have taught us. Would have been betrayed. Would have been beaten. Would have been crucified. Would have died. Would have risen. And would have done it all, just for you. Now, that is love.
Many years ago I asked to be rebaptized. It just so happened to be on the Sunday that was the day of the Epiphany. As I knelt at the alter in the chapel with our pastor and my fiancé, as the pastor placed the water on my head and started speaking, I was completely wrapped in a very overpowering fragrance that was so sweet it should have made me feel sick. But it didn’t. It was an embrace. It was Christ, present with me removing all that was trying to destroy me from within.
And while the past still lives itself out in my head daily, it didn’t have that power to take me back into the darkness and silence.
What ever it is that drags you down. What ever it is that keeps you in your own private prison. What ever it is that you need to release. Take it to the Cross. Kneel down and give it to God. He is waiting for you. I’m not saying that you are going to have a life filled with Rose in this world. Mine hasn’t been. But you will have a calm in your heart right down into your soul…….

An open letter to Dr. Michael Chitwood…..

30 Oct

Dear Dr. Chitwood,

I am writing not for money but for guidance please. I’ll make this as short as possible to give you an idea of my calling by God.

I am a survivor of seventeen years of childhood sexual abuse starting at age nine. My abuser was the Director of Christian Education and Music at our church. I am 58 now and lived in darkness and silence until after 40 years old. There were a series of events that triggered the out of control spiral downward. That started in 1986. I hit bottom several times only to have that bottom fall out also. In 1998 I was at the point of either suicide, third trip on that road, or getting help. God always put the right people in my life when I needed them even when I thought he didn’t love me and I didn’t see it for what it was.

The following is just short descriptions of some of the events of my life that brought me here after the abuse….

Leading to my break first,

A newspaper article on a case against my abuser…..

Dealing with my mothers diagnosis with dementia and then years latter her death….

Having a very dear and special friend battling ovarian cancer for the second time and then her death…..

Having a relationship with a very special woman that I was going to ask to marry me and the day I bought the ring that I would give her on Christmas two months away, she broke things off with no explanation…

Recovery and after it……..

Learned much about what my past did to destroy my present and future….

Had a severe panic/anxiety attack that left me temporarily blind and feeling like a heart attack which lead to a heart cath….

Almost losing my company due to depression….

The fourth trip down with suicide after my moms funeral, commitments were fulfilled…..

Meet someone new….

Got engaged on steps of church where abused and parents meet and married….

Tried to find justice with law but none to be gained…..

Anger at injustice….

OCD with changing laws and Anger built to point of almost destroying engagement….

Heard a story of someone getting rebaptized……

Heard that’s what I needed….

Got rebaptized on the epiphany on a Sunday morning with just pastor, fiance and myself. I was the only one to experience the visit from Christ…..

Anger gone…

Got married….

Unable to conceive a child….

Anointed by pastor at new church. He said we would have a child before the end of the year as God had told him so….

In less than a year we had our beautiful baby daughter…..

When she was two and a half I was taking her with me to an appointment but dropped her at daycare instead. Three or four minutes later I was hit from behind and was permanently injured, to much for here to explain, it cost me my company of almost 28 years, so much could have happened to kill me that day…..

Our daughter was almost to the day the same age as me when my father died…..

Many doctors and injections in my spine and a neck fusion later, no real diagnosis….

After two years I go to Mayo Jacksonville. Get diagnosed with spinal cord injury and multiple nerve roots impinged, disk damage and bone fragment in spinal canal…..

Go to Mayo Rochester to three week program in pain rehab……

Come back doing better a work to find my new base line in my life so as to start fresh……

Eleven month out from therapy I am hit head on and lose all progress in health and even more damage is done….

Evil just continues to attack all during this. Health insurance not covering bills. Auto insurance from either crash not paying on my coverage I paid for, even eight years out from first crash…..

Major health problems for my wife and daughter….

From the psychology side of my issues, PTSD, CPTSD, OCD, OCD, Anxiety, Major Depression, Bi-Polar Type 2, Panic Attacks and using a service dog to help with daily life….

No attack by evil will move me from God’s path for me.

Now to the point. I want to speak on the wonders that God provides by telling the testimony of my life. I am not looking to make a living doing this. I am looking to make a difference in the lives of those that are lost and searching for help. I want to help those that love them find answers to questions that they need answered but not the questions from a clinical viewpoint. So much of my past was working to destroy me and I had no idea. Had I heard what I heard decades later, maybe I could have be rid of the pain decades earlier.

Lastly, I recently took my “Walk to Emmaus” at the Methodist Blue Lake Camp. I found myself broken and on my knee’s at the foot of the cross asking God to take the fights I had been fighting that were not my fights to fight. He to those from me and made it clear to me as to what I was to fight for. That is what I am doing. It’s not about me doing this to get out of debt. It’s about getting others out of the hell that’s been created inside them…

This is not about money. This is about peoples lives, both on earth and after…

Only by the Grace of God,

David (Bill) Lester

Could someone please acknowledge this if possible. I realize you are most likely overwhelmed with email and such, but I have done so many letters and wonder if anyone even reads them…

Thank you.

Prayers and Fighting Life’s Battles…….

19 Sep

Little in life prepares us for some of the fights we must endure. Then there are the fights that nothing but your faith can help you endure.

A few weeks ago this became so very clear to me while on my “Walk to Emmaus.” I have spent nearly all my life fight multiple battle at one time. When I was having a good spell I was fighting only one or two at the same time.

As a man I more or less learned that the fights of this world are ours as a man to fight. I never really understood that some fights I could not win. I grew up with John Wayne, the ultimate Cowboy, and others that show fighting and winning over what is wrong. Those movie and TV Cowboys taught a lot about right and wrong.

As a little boy growing up in church I learned to pray. I would ask all the same things as any child today ask for. What I didn’t learn way that sometimes the only way to fight some things is to fight with prayer. The fights for the vast majority of things we spend our time fighting are things we are virtually unable to fight alone or are even able to fight ourselves at all.

Like I said earlier, I have spent much of my life fighting fights of one kind or another. Not the kind you have in a physical confrontation, although I was an easy target to get bullied and beat up growing up. No, but they where fights none the less. And the stakes were for much more than a bloody lip. Now I did have a part that I did play and was supposed to play in them but I thought at the time I was the only one fighting. Wrong. I learned this decades later. I learned that the main fighter and the one that I should have left the fight to was the one carrying me, my Lord and Savior.

What I thought was my fight was mine to fight but with prayer alone. The fights that I had within with myself are the ones that only He could fight and win. Those were the fights with evil that was trying to destroy me. To keep me from one day taking what God had kept me alive for and using it to help others that are fighting those very same internal and external fights.

The stronger I have become, the more prepared I have become, the more that evil has worked to destroy me. That evil has a name. But I will not utter its name or spell it as it is not worthy of being spoken or spelled ever. The weight removed from me on my walk was profound to say the least. The only thing for me spiritually that was more life changing in an instant was when I was re-baptized. That was an incredible experience.

Some wrongly think that when they become Christians their life will become easier. Many will find that they will not. Not because they are not good Christians but because for one reason. Or another they have become a threat. Not necessarily because they will change the world with their belief. But maybe because of a chain of events their witness may start in this world that they will never even have a knowledge of. Many people have had that effect on me and don’t know it.

So the old saying of “chose your battles wisely” is still true. Most are probably not worth fighting. Some are worth fighting with everything you have. Some may be fights that you have no way of winning but are still fought for. And some are fights you are not supposed to be trying to lead the fight against. All all worthy of being fought. It’s just that your part of the fight might only be with prayer………

Emotional abuse

12 Sep

Not all those who wander are lost (but maybe just a little)

For years I’ve tried to run from my past, pretend like nothing happened. But at some point, something always happens to remind you, to smack you in the face and knock you to the ground. Scrolling through my news feed I saw a post from This Morning. Apparently the Home Secretary has launched a consultation to look at strengthening the law by creating a new offence against domestic abuse. Apparently they want to make it clear coercive and controlling behaviour in relationships is criminal and joining them on the show today is someone who found the emotional abuse worse than the physical abuse.

No! This is just wrong! It means that everything I’ve told myself is a lie. I told myself that because he never actually hit me – he forcefully shoved me onto the ground once but never physically hit me after – he didn’t do anything wrong. That…

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“Why me?” A question you shouldn’t ask yourself

12 Sep

RECENT POSTSThe topic that no one talks about.When justice does not prevail…We MUST change the statute of limitationsWhen I don’t take my own adviceRose colored glasses.The titanium plate

Source: “Why me?” A question you shouldn’t ask yourself

When justice does not prevail…We MUST change the statute of limitations

12 Sep

NOT MY SECRET...overcoming the shame of sexual abuse

When justice does not prevail and a bad man walks free…what are we to do?

I have heard what others tell me they think will happen…

” Karma will catch up to him”, ” God will take care of him”, “Deep down he is not living a happy life”, ” He will get what is coming to him”.

Yeah, none of that makes me feel the slightest bit better. It gives me no peace of mind. I don’t know if it is because I don’t believe it or if nothing anyone tells me will make me feel better on the subject. Because when it comes right down to it, unless a man that commits abuse against a woman is in jail then this whole “leaving it to the universe” for justice just does not cut it.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me wanting this to never happen again…

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The topic that no one talks about.

12 Sep

NOT MY SECRET...overcoming the shame of sexual abuse

An anchor is defined as two things: 1. A heavy device that is attached to a boat or ship by a rope or chain and that is thrown into the water to hold the boat or ship in place. 2.: A person or thing that provides strength and support.

In my mind that means an anchor can either be a weight or a strength.

After sexual abuse you need an anchor. But that anchor needs to be of strength and support. We don’t need something that weighs us down we need something that will support us, ground us, so that we can then be lifted up.A good loving anchor will allow you to soar.

Herein lies the hard question that no one wants to talk about. How do we become intimate again after something that is supposed to be beautiful becomes a nightmare? How can a nightmare become a dream again? The anchor…

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