To many thoughts….

6 Mar

I am a hard person to figure out at times. I deal with PTSD from my sexual abuse and also from two life changing auto crashes brought on by the neglecte of the other drivers. I also had multiple issues with several types of Anxiety.

It is impossible to get any quiet time in my head. It is like a super highway with travel speed on maximum. Putting my thoughts down are very hard as it is difficult to stay focused. Writing short post can take a long time.  It is easy to get distracted and forgot about what I was working on and go off chasing something down a rabbit hole.

I am going to try and start doing a daily post on my life and the challenges that have that I have had to deal with and the obstacles that this world has that work against a victim. The obstacles that keep a victim from moving forward and becoming a Survivor.

Men are a hard group to get to come forward and speak about being abused, (domestic, sexually or any other way), because we are taught by media, movies, friends, parents and others that we don’t talk about things like that and we are Men and therefore we are not in need of talking about our feelings.

More later……. 



6 Mar

Progressive Insurance is putting the life of my service dog, that I have as a result of a car crash when I was insured by them, at risk. They refuse to pay on my PIP or Uninsured motorist policy. The adjuster says my Doctor’s at the Mayo Clinic are all wrong about my injuries. When did our elected officials in Florida start getting paid to write laws that work only for corporations? Please share this as they are forcing me to be only able to help financially for my wife and daughter. I am now disabled and need my dog 24/7 but I will have to suffer the consequences of putting my service dog down if I can’t afford the proper care for her due to the ongoing cost of her minimum care she is getting….



Watch “To Americans: Support Native Americans In This Call To Arms” on YouTube

22 Sep

Reflections On The Day…..

17 Sep
Pastor among suspects arrested in online sex sting
Please pray for the church and it’s members and also for anyone personally affected by his actions….
Today has been a day of reflection for me due to current events in our local news. A local pastor has been arrested for trying to arrange to have sex with a 14 year old boy. Turns out that 14 year old boy was in fact a member of law enforcement. So when the pastor showed up at the arranged location he got a bit of a surprise.
A pastor. A man of God. The leader of a church. How can this even be possible? Where was God in this? How could it be that no one knew he was a pedophile? Lots and lots of questions. No easy answers to these.
As to him being a pastor that’s easy. Anyone can be a pedophile. Doctor’s, coaches, nurses, lawyers, judges or cops, male or female, it does not matter what they do for a living. Where was God in this? This is a question I used to asked myself a lot. Why you ask? Because I was, at one time in my life, a victim. I was a victim of sexual molestation turned sexual abuse turned to rape by  the Director of Christian Education and Music at my families church. It started when I was Nine years old. Some will not understand this answer while others will not like it and some will decide to hate it. It’s okay with me if the last two don’t get it. That just means they have some understanding to do.  God was, is and always will be, right where he has always been. He is with you through every trial and triumph. I know personally that at times He appears to be quiet and at others He seems completely absent. Those times are not Him. They are us. We let the noise of our life get to loud to hear His voice. We let the wants or problems of our life pull us away from Him. At our worst we push away from him. He doesn’t go anywhere, we do. He is Solid, Rock Solid. Now the last two groups may ask “why didn’t He just stop it from happening or fix the pastor?” That’s not what man choose for himself. Mankind wanted to have choice, so God granted choice, freewill if you will.
Now I know some may say “why did He do that to them?” God didn’t do anything to them. Don’t forget, there is another power at work in this world, not just God. Sure God could just snap His fingers or even have the smallest of passing thought and make all bad and evil disappear. He could make us follow his every word and thought and we be 100% loyal to Him. Like little puppets.  Now there are times that He will just step in and remind all of us that He is here but those are not daily happenings. You see by gracing us with freewill, He lets us chose to follow Him or not. He doesn’t want little puppets at His feet. He wants His Children at His feet. We are responsible for our actions on this Earthly world. Our actions and decisions effect those we have contact with. Those people in turn effect those they have contact with and so on and so on. It’s like dropping a stone into a body of water that is as smooth as a fine piece of glass. That one stone causes a multitude of ripples. When those ripples hit something, it sends part of the original ripples off in other directions. So when you hear someone say “I’m not my brothers keeper” know that that’s a lie. We are all “our brothers keeper.” Each of us effecting the other while we are responsible for what we pass on.

How could no one have known? This is one that Will most likely not make me any new friends and may cost me some current ones. It will be what it is. They hide in plain sight. Okay, raise your hands, how may of your out there are parents? I know, haha. How many of you have children involved in sports, dance, church or other activities? How many of you drop your children off and leave them? How many of you regularly volunteer your time to help monitor the safety of these children? For almost eight years I was the chair of our church’s Safe Sanctuary program designed to help protect our youngest children all the way up to our elderly and special needs members. I can say it worked fairly well but one of the biggest downfalls was parent participation in that program. Almost NONE would come to the training to even get an understanding of it. Even fewer ever even volunteered to help with Any age group of children leaving some events at risk of not happening. To this day that aspect has not changed much. If every parent was to volunteer to help out for only 2 or 3 Sundays out of the year, along with others that have faithfully been there helping for years things would be better for keeping the national treasure of our children safer. Educate yourself or get with agencies that work with abused children and find out when they will be having educational classes on how to keep your kids safe. Go to the Safe Sanctuary program training if your church has it. Talk with me. Get in touch. I have done many talks on my journey from victim to survivor. Sadly, when reaching out to the churches in the local community and nationally, few have responded. The media is even worse. when offering to try and help get a message of hope out to the victims or families with questions they can’t ask of their child, they are more silent than churches. They want the “shock value” stories, not the message of hope, faith and God…….

Only By The Grace Of God,

His Grace

13 Jan

We are created by,
His Grace

We are born in,
His Grace

We learn of,
His Grace

We grow spiritually in,
His Grace

We live by,
His Grace

We enjoy different types of,
His Grace
We can start to lose touch with,
His Grace

We start to turn from,
His Grace

We don’t believe we are worthy of,
His Grace
We start to believe we don’t need,
His Grace


We become lost without,
His Grace


We live in a darkness without,
His Grace




We live in misery without,
His Grace





We fall into a bottomless pit without,
His Grace

We start to pray for,
His Grace



We start to search for,
His Grace



We see a small light by,
His Grace

We start to change by,
His Grace 


We yearn for,
His Grace

We were made clean through the blood of,
His Grace 

We may at times deny,
His Grace

We are always in,
His Grace 

We will always have,
His Grace 

We cannot earn,
His Grace

We cannot buy,
His Grace

We do not deserve,
His Grace
We can do nothing to get,
His Grace 

We cannot be lost to,
His Grace

We are given,
His Grace

We are blessed by,
His Grace 

We cannot live without,
His Grace

We live only by,
His Grace

We sing praises of,
His Grace

He gives us,

Only By The Grace Of God,
Bill Lester 1/12/2016

A little of my past….

5 Jan

So many of us go through life just trying to get to the next day. The next meeting. The next appointment. We rush around in a spinning, crazy world. We see so much bad and ask why? Why is this slowed to happen? Some say that it happens because we are being punished by God. Other’s that don’t believe find others to blame. But I believe in God and I know personally that he is not the one that rains down the evils on Earth. I have a personal past that took me into hell. The only reason I am here is because He went with me into it and protected me and brought me home. But, I did not recognize Him when I saw him or even know He was with me for the vast majority of those decades. Thirty plus years of living in silence and darkness. I tried to rid myself of the weight of my past many, many times. But I kept a small piece that I felt I needed. That small piece took little time to become a monster again.
As the day of the Epiphany draws near think on this. God loves you so very much that even if all those years ago when He sent his one and only Son, if you had been the only person that would ever need to be saved in all eternity, His Son would have been born. Walked among mankind. Would have taught us. Would have been betrayed. Would have been beaten. Would have been crucified. Would have died. Would have risen. And would have done it all, just for you. Now, that is love.
Many years ago I asked to be rebaptized. It just so happened to be on the Sunday that was the day of the Epiphany. As I knelt at the alter in the chapel with our pastor and my fiancé, as the pastor placed the water on my head and started speaking, I was completely wrapped in a very overpowering fragrance that was so sweet it should have made me feel sick. But it didn’t. It was an embrace. It was Christ, present with me removing all that was trying to destroy me from within.
And while the past still lives itself out in my head daily, it didn’t have that power to take me back into the darkness and silence.
What ever it is that drags you down. What ever it is that keeps you in your own private prison. What ever it is that you need to release. Take it to the Cross. Kneel down and give it to God. He is waiting for you. I’m not saying that you are going to have a life filled with Rose in this world. Mine hasn’t been. But you will have a calm in your heart right down into your soul…….

An open letter to Dr. Michael Chitwood…..

30 Oct

Dear Dr. Chitwood,

I am writing not for money but for guidance please. I’ll make this as short as possible to give you an idea of my calling by God.

I am a survivor of seventeen years of childhood sexual abuse starting at age nine. My abuser was the Director of Christian Education and Music at our church. I am 58 now and lived in darkness and silence until after 40 years old. There were a series of events that triggered the out of control spiral downward. That started in 1986. I hit bottom several times only to have that bottom fall out also. In 1998 I was at the point of either suicide, third trip on that road, or getting help. God always put the right people in my life when I needed them even when I thought he didn’t love me and I didn’t see it for what it was.

The following is just short descriptions of some of the events of my life that brought me here after the abuse….

Leading to my break first,

A newspaper article on a case against my abuser…..

Dealing with my mothers diagnosis with dementia and then years latter her death….

Having a very dear and special friend battling ovarian cancer for the second time and then her death…..

Having a relationship with a very special woman that I was going to ask to marry me and the day I bought the ring that I would give her on Christmas two months away, she broke things off with no explanation…

Recovery and after it……..

Learned much about what my past did to destroy my present and future….

Had a severe panic/anxiety attack that left me temporarily blind and feeling like a heart attack which lead to a heart cath….

Almost losing my company due to depression….

The fourth trip down with suicide after my moms funeral, commitments were fulfilled…..

Meet someone new….

Got engaged on steps of church where abused and parents meet and married….

Tried to find justice with law but none to be gained…..

Anger at injustice….

OCD with changing laws and Anger built to point of almost destroying engagement….

Heard a story of someone getting rebaptized……

Heard that’s what I needed….

Got rebaptized on the epiphany on a Sunday morning with just pastor, fiance and myself. I was the only one to experience the visit from Christ…..

Anger gone…

Got married….

Unable to conceive a child….

Anointed by pastor at new church. He said we would have a child before the end of the year as God had told him so….

In less than a year we had our beautiful baby daughter…..

When she was two and a half I was taking her with me to an appointment but dropped her at daycare instead. Three or four minutes later I was hit from behind and was permanently injured, to much for here to explain, it cost me my company of almost 28 years, so much could have happened to kill me that day…..

Our daughter was almost to the day the same age as me when my father died…..

Many doctors and injections in my spine and a neck fusion later, no real diagnosis….

After two years I go to Mayo Jacksonville. Get diagnosed with spinal cord injury and multiple nerve roots impinged, disk damage and bone fragment in spinal canal…..

Go to Mayo Rochester to three week program in pain rehab……

Come back doing better a work to find my new base line in my life so as to start fresh……

Eleven month out from therapy I am hit head on and lose all progress in health and even more damage is done….

Evil just continues to attack all during this. Health insurance not covering bills. Auto insurance from either crash not paying on my coverage I paid for, even eight years out from first crash…..

Major health problems for my wife and daughter….

From the psychology side of my issues, PTSD, CPTSD, OCD, OCD, Anxiety, Major Depression, Bi-Polar Type 2, Panic Attacks and using a service dog to help with daily life….

No attack by evil will move me from God’s path for me.

Now to the point. I want to speak on the wonders that God provides by telling the testimony of my life. I am not looking to make a living doing this. I am looking to make a difference in the lives of those that are lost and searching for help. I want to help those that love them find answers to questions that they need answered but not the questions from a clinical viewpoint. So much of my past was working to destroy me and I had no idea. Had I heard what I heard decades later, maybe I could have be rid of the pain decades earlier.

Lastly, I recently took my “Walk to Emmaus” at the Methodist Blue Lake Camp. I found myself broken and on my knee’s at the foot of the cross asking God to take the fights I had been fighting that were not my fights to fight. He to those from me and made it clear to me as to what I was to fight for. That is what I am doing. It’s not about me doing this to get out of debt. It’s about getting others out of the hell that’s been created inside them…

This is not about money. This is about peoples lives, both on earth and after…

Only by the Grace of God,

David (Bill) Lester

Could someone please acknowledge this if possible. I realize you are most likely overwhelmed with email and such, but I have done so many letters and wonder if anyone even reads them…

Thank you.