Aside 18 Sep

             I went through a living hell for seventeen years. Through it all I never blamed God. I thought I had done something wrong. I remember as a child in church I would hear the old women talking about some bad thing that happened to someone and then I would hear “I wonder what they did that was so bad that God did that to them”. I always knew God could do anything. I was raised to love Him. So I thought I “must have done something so wrong that God was doing this to me”.  I carried this hurt deep inside buried under layers of denial. I never said a word to anyone. I went one to have one bad relationship after another. They were destined to fail from day one. In the back of my mind, the part that you don’t even know is talking to you, I was just trying to achieve the end result without any attachment and then move on. This was my life for a very long time. Every now and then I would get involved with someone that I, the conscious part of me, wanted more than just a one night stand or however long it lasted. But the part that hide in the shadows of my mind would start working against me to try and protect me from being hurt. This always ended up with the end of the relationship. This started me towards the hurt turning to anger and hate. It started to seep into parts of my life ever so slowly. I would react to situations differently then I had. I started becoming short tempered. I would verbally be mean to the way I responded to stupid little things.  My life hit a wall after a news story about my abuser came out in the paper. I was not the only victim. This caused a crack in what had been the wall separating an active knowledge of my abuse. There was a huge amount of emotional stress on my life without this addition of a flood of memories and emotions being added. I started a spiral down into a place I never knew I had inside me. I was contemplating suicide over a four month of so period. That was the main thing I did that entire time. I felt life getting further away everyday.  The hate and anger grew behind it’s own wall while letting a small portion out into my every day. During all of this I had gotten into therapy. I had started seeing someone and told them about my past. I was fighting for a future. I wanted me to have something more out of life than what I was living. Moving forward in time and through many issues I asked Rebecca, who I had started seeing some time ago to marry me. I asked her on Easter Sunday after going back to the same church I grew up in and where my abuser had once worked and often abused me. My parents were married in this church and it was a challenge to still go there. But that day we went to get the lilies I had in honor of mom and dad and a friend. At the foot of the stairs to the sanctuary I asked her to marry me. When she finally took a breath she said yes. Everything should have been perfect. One problem though. I was putting more stress on the wall of my past and the wall holding the ocean of hate and anger. Between the two of these vast emotions I was losing the battle.  After months of going before God and laying it all at His feet and asking Him to take it away nothing was changing in me. I finally realized, I was not leaving it ALL at His feet. I would keep a small part hidden. And soon that small part was back to the monster it was before.

One Sunday I went to get Rebecca for church but unlike any other time I arrived, she was not ready. So I sat down and started looking for something on tv to watch. As I surfed the channels I heard the name Randy Travis. He was a guest on the Robert Shuller program. As I listened he talked about being re-baptized and washing himself clean of his past. That was what I had to do. I wish I knew that right then and there but I still had some more struggle to go through before it sank in. I finally got to the point of asking our pastor to re-baptize me. It was on the Sunday of the Epiphany.

 The pastor, Rebecca and I were in the small chapel and as I knelt at the alter I was praying for God to take it all. As the pastor dipped his hands into the water and then placed them on my head I was filled with calm and completely surrounded with the sweetest fragrance, a fragrance so sweet it should have been sickening, but it wasn’t. It was there only for a moment but seemed like a long time. I asked the others if the had smelled it but they said they hadn’t. I knew then that Jesus had come to me to clean me of all my past and remove that ocean of hate and anger. There is so much to say but never enough room. I hope to one day be able to take this message far beyond just the local churches and let others know what God and His Son Jesus have done for me and wants to do for them.


2 Responses to “”

  1. kerrichronicles September 18, 2013 at 2:28 PM #

    I understand exactly what you are saying and thank you for sharing this. May God continue to be with you on this journey.


  2. ptl2010 May 15, 2014 at 7:39 AM #

    Praise God you found Him.

    Now let Him live in you and through you to bless and be blessed.
    Our God is Omniscient, Omnipotent and Omnipresent. That means He is unlimited. No experience of the past can limit His power in the present and the future. With Him all things are possible to him who believes.

    And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

    Proverbs 3:5-6
    New International Version (NIV)
    5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
    6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]



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