To many thoughts….

6 Mar

I am a hard person to figure out at times. I deal with PTSD from my sexual abuse and also from two life changing auto crashes brought on by the neglecte of the other drivers. I also had multiple issues with several types of Anxiety.

It is impossible to get any quiet time in my head. It is like a super highway with travel speed on maximum. Putting my thoughts down are very hard as it is difficult to stay focused. Writing short post can take a long time.  It is easy to get distracted and forgot about what I was working on and go off chasing something down a rabbit hole.

I am going to try and start doing a daily post on my life and the challenges that have that I have had to deal with and the obstacles that this world has that work against a victim. The obstacles that keep a victim from moving forward and becoming a Survivor.

Men are a hard group to get to come forward and speak about being abused, (domestic, sexually or any other way), because we are taught by media, movies, friends, parents and others that we don’t talk about things like that and we are Men and therefore we are not in need of talking about our feelings.

More later……. 


Somethings about me;

10 Jan

If ANYONE wants to friend or message me I am fine with it. I don’t say all this for sympathy. I say it because I know what it is like to walk through a lot of shit only to end up walking through more.

I am a survivor of CSA and four times attempted suicide. I deal with Anxiety, Major Depression, C-PTSD, ADD, SAD and several other issues. No, I don’t follow under the crazy guidelines. I was in a major car crash that left me with 4 fuzzed disk in my neck, two and a half inches of my cervical spinal cord was severely compressed and left distorted causing my entire central nervous system problems. I have issues with walking and am slowly headed toward being in a wheelchair. I had stages 2,3 and 4 prostrate cancer and had my prostrate removed and haven’t had a erection in seven years. I cant just have an implant done because I cant take any kind of pain medication because it causes my Depression to crash. I’ve had to self check in to the ER once and don’t car to do it again.


30 Jan

I am very happy to see all the coverage of what is happening in the women coming forward about the decades of abuse they have suffered.

The problem I have is with the media. All the coverage is as if men have not and are not the victims of the same types of abuse. I and thousands of other men and boys are victims of sexual abuse and rape.

I was only nine years old when my life was forever changed. The man that abused me was the Director of Christian Education and Music at my church. He  turned me into his victim for SEVENTEEN years. I have worked for years to get the media to let men and boys come forward and know there is no shame in exposing their abuse. Quite to the contrary. They can bring the long reign of a predator to an end.

Wake Up News Media. Tell The Story Of The Abuse Of Men And Boys And The Destruction It Causes For A Lifetime…..

Amazing Grace

28 Jul

This is my favorite song of any kind of music. It speaks to so many places and feelings of my past and my trials to make it to the place I am today. The trials continue. But today I have, and know I always did have, God with me. Even when I was in the darkest of places. Even when I challenged him and dared him to strike me dead standing on a pier during a lightning storm, even when I was ready to end it myself, God was with me. There are many many songs of faith that speak to me personally. They feel like the writer was looking through my eyes at my world. They move me deeper than most would ever think. But none have ever stirred as much emotional response from me as Amazing Grace. It has been there for me so many times. It has played at the moments I need it most and as I try to sing along, I can’t even get the words out as I just sit and cry like a baby. It is that strong of and influence on me. I can not listen to that song without seeing Christ body hanging on that cross and seeing what He had done to Him so that one day someone like me could ask Him for forgiveness. Ask Him for forgiveness for my sins that put Him on that cross in the first place. My sins. Your sins. Our sins. He was born. He lived. He died. He did all of that for us. With that one act of Love, Christ wiped all of our slates clean with His blood. There is nothing we can do to lose the Love He has for us. We can never be so lost the He is not beside us. We can never be so bad that He will leave us. We can never be unforgivable. Thank you God for sending your Son. He is the best friend that I have never seen face to face,………but one day………

The Dawn on a new Me;

28 Jul

I want to share with you one of my experiences while on my “Walk to Emmaus.” When one of our evening services was drawing to an end and before we were dismissed for the evening, our spiritual adviser for the Walk announced that the men on the walk with me had asked. To draw together for a healing prayer over me. Now this particular day had proven for me and many others to be a day of letting go of many things we had tried to bury inside. Things that were holding ourselves back and interfering with our relationship with God. It was quite the emotional time. Well the service we just finished made that release of emotions feel very minor. Christ had again washed me of negative things I had put inside myself and he did it in such a beautiful and visual way. The Friendship and Love that was shown to us on the Walk was so overpowering that trying to not break down and cry, for me, was impossible. So to have this total group of men, leaders and advisors, people I had never meet until two days ago, come together around me while I knelt at the alter and pray for me and to anoint me with oil for my healing that Jesus wants for me, in his time and way, was enough to get me to a point where I ran out of my allotted tears for that day. To what point I may be healed is of no concern to me. I have seen again in my life what Christ and our Heavenly Father can do when you totally trust in him and get yourself out of the way. I have been the impediment to my relationship with my Christ and our Father. I will work very hard to never do it again. And if I fail, He will forgive me and I will continue to work for what it is that my God and your God want us all to do. Trust in Him and get ourselves out of His way. 
Love, Hugs and Prayers……..
De Colores…………..


28 Jul

Little in life prepares us for some of the fights we must endure. Then there are the fights that nothing but your faith can help you endure.
A few weeks ago this became so very clear to me while on my “Walk to Emmaus.” I have spent nearly all my life fight multiple battle at one time. When I was having a good spell I was fighting only one or two at the same time. 
As a man I more or less learned that the fights of this world are ours as a man to fight. I never really understood that some fights I could not win. I grew up with John Wayne, the ultimate Cowboy, and others that show fighting and winning over what is wrong. Those movie and TV Cowboys taught a lot about right and wrong. 
As a little boy growing up in church I learned to pray. I would ask all the same things as any child today ask for. What I didn’t learn way that sometimes the only way to fight some things is to fight with prayer. The fights for the vast majority of things we spend our time fighting are things we are virtually unable to fight alone or are even able to fight ourselves at all. 
Like I said earlier, I have spent much of my life fighting fights of one kind or another. Not the kind you have in a physical confrontation, although I was an easy target to get bullied and beat up growing up. No, but they where fights none the less. And the stakes were for much more than a bloody lip. Now I did have a part that I did play and was supposed to play in them but I thought at the time I was the only one fighting. Wrong. I learned this decades later. I learned that the main fighter and the one that I should have left the fight to was the one carrying me, my Lord and Savior. 
What I thought was my fight was mine to fight but with prayer alone. The fights that I had within with myself are the ones that only He could fight and win. Those were the fights with evil that was trying to destroy me. To keep me from one day taking what God had kept me alive for and using it to help others that are fighting those very same internal and external fights. 
The stronger I have become, the more prepared I have become, the more that evil has worked to destroy me. That evil has a name. But I will not utter its name or spell it as it is not worthy of being spoken or spelled ever. The weight removed from me on my walk was profound to say the least. The only thing for me spiritually that was more life changing in an instant was when I was re-baptized. That was an incredible experience. 
Some wrongly think that when they become Christians their life will become easier. Many will find that they will not. Not because they are not good Christians but because for one reason. Or another they have become a threat. Not necessarily because they will change the world with their belief. But maybe because of a chain of events their witness may start in this world that they will never even have a knowledge of. Many people have had that effect on me and don’t know it.
So the old saying of “chose your battles wisely” is still true. Most are probably not worth fighting. Some are worth fighting with everything you have. Some may be fights that you have no way of winning but are still fought for. And some are fights you are not supposed to be trying to lead the fight against. All all worthy of being fought. It’s just that your part of the fight might only be with prayer………


28 Jul

Scars, we all have them. I have them. Some are from what others have done to me. Some are from accidents. Some I have done to myself. Some are Psychological while others are Physical and some are Emotional. I find the Physical ones the easiest to accept and to deal with. They are from accidents and self infliction, cutting. Emotional scars affect me Psychologically but not all my Psychological scars are Emotional. My Psychological ones are from sexual abuse I suffered and also from years of being bullied and also from some of the bullying involved groups beating me. I am not telling you this for sympathy. I’m telling you this so that if you have wounds you will know that they can heal. Your healing may take a long time. You may need help with that healing. You are the common fact in your healing. You have the hardest part in your healing those wounds and them becoming scars on you. You have to find the way to forgive who or what wounded you and to forgive yourself for the blame that you have put upon yourself. After you get them healed, it doesn’t mean they will go away. Of the past I have recalled none of the memories I have have ever left me. They just hold no importance to me. I suffer from PTSD, C-PTSD, Anxiety, OCD, Major Depression, Bipolar Type 2, ADD and some DID at times. These are things I just have to deal with and each has its own set of issues they cause. It’s not fair to still have issues to deal with. But finding acceptance and peace with your past will help make things better. You will, like most of us, have some days that are better than others and you will have days that totally suck. Those will take learning to cope with. Reach out for help from support groups, church, friends or family. Reach out until you find someone or several someone’s you feel comfortable with. You are worth fighting for. You are loved. Someone loved you so much that He Died for you.

Can this Army Rape Survivor return to service if on Temporary Disability Retirement?

5 May