To many thoughts….

6 Mar

I am a hard person to figure out at times. I deal with PTSD from my sexual abuse and also from two life changing auto crashes brought on by the neglecte of the other drivers. I also had multiple issues with several types of Anxiety.

It is impossible to get any quiet time in my head. It is like a super highway with travel speed on maximum. Putting my thoughts down are very hard as it is difficult to stay focused. Writing short post can take a long time.  It is easy to get distracted and forgot about what I was working on and go off chasing something down a rabbit hole.

I am going to try and start doing a daily post on my life and the challenges that have that I have had to deal with and the obstacles that this world has that work against a victim. The obstacles that keep a victim from moving forward and becoming a Survivor.

Men are a hard group to get to come forward and speak about being abused, (domestic, sexually or any other way), because we are taught by media, movies, friends, parents and others that we don’t talk about things like that and we are Men and therefore we are not in need of talking about our feelings.

More later……. 

Can this Army Rape Survivor return to service if on Temporary Disability Retirement?

5 May

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/possible-army-rape-survivor-rtd-so-what-procedures-vanessa-morbeck

Break the Silence, Shine a Light into your Shadows

6 Mar

I consider myself to be one of the very blessed ones in this world for many reasons. I can relate to almost every thing that Stephanie talks about but from the view of her husband. PTSD and a lot of other acronyms make their way into the reports on my mental health. Lack of sleep is a huge issue. But the reason I feel blessed is that I have walked to the very edge of the fall into complete nothingness. I have made that walk after months and months of planning during a slow steady spiral into darkness. I have been on that razor thin edge where even the beating of your own heart can cause you to lose your balance in life and end up taking your own life. I have been there and survived. I have been there and survived, not once or twice. I have been there four times when it was planned. More than that if you take into account some of the thing I did that Should have killed me. Why do some survive and others don’t? I’m not qualified to answer that for all suicide victims and survivors. All I can say is that somehow I was able to see the very thing or feel the vey thing that I needed at that critical time and recognize it and it enabled me to step back and struggle to see the next sunrise while no really wanting to. For me it was God providing what I needed and somehow I was able to see it and live. I have seen the personal side of hat suicide does to the families and friends of those that commit suicide. I had a very close friend all through my school years lose her father. He asked her to go to the store and 20 minutes later she found him dead. I was a senior high and jr. high counselor when we lost a young man that I had known since the day he was born to suicide. I never saw it coming and I had already been to the edge twice at that time. Most people will never see it coming for what it is. No one ever saw mine or even knew I was in such bad shape. We are very good at hiding in plain sight. The thing is if you take that final step, there is no way for you to have a better day. No way for things to get better. No way to help the ones you leave behind ever have enough answers to make the pain go away. I want all to know that I speak from my own very personal HELL on earth. My past experiences of what has been done to me are things that I would never wish on those that did them to me. Break the Silence, Shine a Light into your Shadows. There is a tomorrow and you owe it to yourself, if no one else, you owe yourself more sunrises. God is there for you. He always has been. The hurt done to you has also been done to Him. He understands your anger. He understands how lost you feel. He understands every last thing you think and feel for He has lived and cried FOR YOU. Reach out for someone. Reach out to fight. Fight for you. Fight the fight you are worthy of. Fight this fight to save the precious gift of life that our Father in Heaven has given you. You are worth the fight. You can do this. No, it’s not easy and it takes a long time but You Can Do This….. Much Love, Many Hugs and Unending Prayers…..

#donotletthemkillShiloh

6 Mar

Progressive Insurance is putting the life of my service dog, that I have as a result of a car crash when I was insured by them, at risk. They refuse to pay on my PIP or Uninsured motorist policy. The adjuster says my Doctor’s at the Mayo Clinic are all wrong about my injuries. When did our elected officials in Florida start getting paid to write laws that work only for corporations? Please share this as they are forcing me to be only able to help financially for my wife and daughter. I am now disabled and need my dog 24/7 but I will have to suffer the consequences of putting my service dog down if I can’t afford the proper care for her due to the ongoing cost of her minimum care she is getting….

#don’tletthemkillShiloh

 

Watch “To Americans: Support Native Americans In This Call To Arms” on YouTube

22 Sep

Reflections On The Day…..

17 Sep
Pastor among suspects arrested in online sex sting
Please pray for the church and it’s members and also for anyone personally affected by his actions….
Reflection…
Today has been a day of reflection for me due to current events in our local news. A local pastor has been arrested for trying to arrange to have sex with a 14 year old boy. Turns out that 14 year old boy was in fact a member of law enforcement. So when the pastor showed up at the arranged location he got a bit of a surprise.
A pastor. A man of God. The leader of a church. How can this even be possible? Where was God in this? How could it be that no one knew he was a pedophile? Lots and lots of questions. No easy answers to these.
As to him being a pastor that’s easy. Anyone can be a pedophile. Doctor’s, coaches, nurses, lawyers, judges or cops, male or female, it does not matter what they do for a living. Where was God in this? This is a question I used to asked myself a lot. Why you ask? Because I was, at one time in my life, a victim. I was a victim of sexual molestation turned sexual abuse turned to rape by  the Director of Christian Education and Music at my families church. It started when I was Nine years old. Some will not understand this answer while others will not like it and some will decide to hate it. It’s okay with me if the last two don’t get it. That just means they have some understanding to do.  God was, is and always will be, right where he has always been. He is with you through every trial and triumph. I know personally that at times He appears to be quiet and at others He seems completely absent. Those times are not Him. They are us. We let the noise of our life get to loud to hear His voice. We let the wants or problems of our life pull us away from Him. At our worst we push away from him. He doesn’t go anywhere, we do. He is Solid, Rock Solid. Now the last two groups may ask “why didn’t He just stop it from happening or fix the pastor?” That’s not what man choose for himself. Mankind wanted to have choice, so God granted choice, freewill if you will.
Now I know some may say “why did He do that to them?” God didn’t do anything to them. Don’t forget, there is another power at work in this world, not just God. Sure God could just snap His fingers or even have the smallest of passing thought and make all bad and evil disappear. He could make us follow his every word and thought and we be 100% loyal to Him. Like little puppets.  Now there are times that He will just step in and remind all of us that He is here but those are not daily happenings. You see by gracing us with freewill, He lets us chose to follow Him or not. He doesn’t want little puppets at His feet. He wants His Children at His feet. We are responsible for our actions on this Earthly world. Our actions and decisions effect those we have contact with. Those people in turn effect those they have contact with and so on and so on. It’s like dropping a stone into a body of water that is as smooth as a fine piece of glass. That one stone causes a multitude of ripples. When those ripples hit something, it sends part of the original ripples off in other directions. So when you hear someone say “I’m not my brothers keeper” know that that’s a lie. We are all “our brothers keeper.” Each of us effecting the other while we are responsible for what we pass on.

How could no one have known? This is one that Will most likely not make me any new friends and may cost me some current ones. It will be what it is. They hide in plain sight. Okay, raise your hands, how may of your out there are parents? I know, haha. How many of you have children involved in sports, dance, church or other activities? How many of you drop your children off and leave them? How many of you regularly volunteer your time to help monitor the safety of these children? For almost eight years I was the chair of our church’s Safe Sanctuary program designed to help protect our youngest children all the way up to our elderly and special needs members. I can say it worked fairly well but one of the biggest downfalls was parent participation in that program. Almost NONE would come to the training to even get an understanding of it. Even fewer ever even volunteered to help with Any age group of children leaving some events at risk of not happening. To this day that aspect has not changed much. If every parent was to volunteer to help out for only 2 or 3 Sundays out of the year, along with others that have faithfully been there helping for years things would be better for keeping the national treasure of our children safer. Educate yourself or get with agencies that work with abused children and find out when they will be having educational classes on how to keep your kids safe. Go to the Safe Sanctuary program training if your church has it. Talk with me. Get in touch. I have done many talks on my journey from victim to survivor. Sadly, when reaching out to the churches in the local community and nationally, few have responded. The media is even worse. when offering to try and help get a message of hope out to the victims or families with questions they can’t ask of their child, they are more silent than churches. They want the “shock value” stories, not the message of hope, faith and God…….

Only By The Grace Of God,
Bill

His Grace

13 Jan

We are created by,
His Grace

We are born in,
His Grace

We learn of,
His Grace

We grow spiritually in,
His Grace

We live by,
His Grace

We enjoy different types of,
His Grace
We can start to lose touch with,
His Grace

We start to turn from,
His Grace
 

We don’t believe we are worthy of,
His Grace
We start to believe we don’t need,
His Grace

 

We become lost without,
His Grace

 

We live in a darkness without,
His Grace

 

 

 

We live in misery without,
His Grace

 

 

 

 

We fall into a bottomless pit without,
His Grace

 
We start to pray for,
His Grace

 

 

We start to search for,
His Grace

 

 

We see a small light by,
His Grace
 

We start to change by,
His Grace 

 

We yearn for,
His Grace

We were made clean through the blood of,
His Grace 

We may at times deny,
His Grace

We are always in,
His Grace 

We will always have,
His Grace 

We cannot earn,
His Grace

We cannot buy,
His Grace

We do not deserve,
His Grace
 
We can do nothing to get,
His Grace 

We cannot be lost to,
His Grace

We are given,
His Grace

We are blessed by,
His Grace 

We cannot live without,
His Grace

We live only by,
His Grace

We sing praises of,
His Grace

He gives us,
HIS GRACE;

Only By The Grace Of God,
Bill Lester 1/12/2016